I WANT TO BE HEALTHY: SPIRITUALLY
The Transformative Power of Spiritual Health: A Journey from Darkness to Radiance
In a world that often prioritizes physical, mental, and financial well-being, the importance of spiritual health can sometimes be overlooked. Yet, the state of our spirit can profoundly impact every facet of our lives. This truth became strikingly evident in my own journey, a journey that started in the confines of a strict Christian upbringing, led me through the depths of despair, then ultimately back to a place of spiritual health.
Growing up, I was immersed in a world of religious rigidity – Sunday church services, Wednesday youth group meetings, and a private Christian school environment. Prayers punctuated every meal and classroom activity. Despite this seemingly wholesome upbringing, the spiritual foundation laid during my formative years ultimately left me feeling numb and detached. The routine felt forced, and my rebellious response after high school led me down a tumultuous path.
I made selfish life-altering decisions without considering the spiritual consequences: marrying young and moving to Texas without a support network, superficiality, and a lack of self-awareness defined my existence. This lead to a toxic marriage, deep dissatisfaction, and a pervasive sense of emptiness. The journey home, marked by destructive choices and a subsequent divorce, plunged me into a desperate search for purpose and meaning.
In the darkest moments, I cried out to a seemingly silent starry night sky. I tearfully questioned the very existence of the God that I had been taught was so real while growing up. The answers didn't come immediately, and my path remained clouded for what felt like many painful long years. The path to healing does not happen overnight; the world is so broken that it takes time and tenderness from the Holy Spirit to gently teach us His truths- we must seek it relentlessly. Sometimes, breaking the cycle of maladaptive coping mechanisms from trauma and earthly pain can take magnificent amounts of energy and determination. In time, if you continue to walk out the path from Gods blueprints for the life that He intended for you, you will begin to see transformation. You will see the sunlight, and you will begin to feel Gods never-ceasing, unconditional, FULLY healing: L O V E .
I was working dead end jobs, was living back with my parents with a 2 year old daughter, and had no plan for my life; no sense of ultimate purpose beyond my "mom" and "daughter" roles. The person I had been in my past had cultivated a world that was dealing with divorce, child custody court hearings, no real friends (I hadn't been one), no money, and parents who were disheartened by my poor life choices. My life was spiraling out of control: my pitiful attempts to numb the loneliness and the torment that I was feeling in the deepest parts of my core resulted in late nights at the bar weekly (sometimes daily), hangovers, and neglecting my precious daughter. To this day, my mom reminds me, "...if it weren't for your daughter, you'd have been on the street..." I am forever grateful for my mom and dad; for seeing me through Gods eyes, seeing my potential, and tolerating me through my darkest hours.
One day while working as a salesperson at Pier1 Imports, while carefully hanging Christmas ornaments on a display, a coworker suggested I become a certified nursing assistant. "You would be such a great CNA, I know lots of single moms who do that for a living. They make enough money to live on their own...you could totally do it!"
"What's a CNA?", I curiously questioned. She explained, and later that week I gathered all the needed paperwork to submit my application into the CNA program at my local community college. I was accepted, and was pinned as a "Certified Nursing Assistant" 3 short months later. Although my boyfriend hadn't show up for my pinning ceremony, I still felt a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. In high school, good grades were extremely difficult for me- my report cards rarely showed anything above a C grade. During my CNA schooling, I had studied diligently and was able to pass all my CNA classes with straight- A's. While crying through lunch with my parents and daughter after the pinning ceremony, it was then that I decided I wanted more for my life. Why was I feeling so desperate, so lonely, so depressed, empty, and absolutely broken when I was finally starting to see fruits from my all my hard work? It was because I was still looking for fulfillment in ways that would never fill me: late nights at the bar, alcohol, and by selfishly working jobs to make more money for the life "I" wanted to live. Through superficial friendships, and an extremely toxic relationship, I couldn't shake the empty depression and numbness that consumed me daily. Nevertheless, I had a strong desire to continue pushing towards better life choices. I decided to set some healthier boundaries in my relationships, and for myself, and continued to see slow positive momentum.
Despite initial setbacks, the decision to become a CNA became a catalyst for change. The journey continued with a leap into a Licensed Vocational Nursing program, and the introduction of a Christian counselor into my life. Although my heart was initially resistant, the counseling sessions hinted at the underlying issues I was unwilling to confront.
The turning point came when I declared my desire for more holistic health – I decided that I wanted to be truly HEALTHY: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. I confessed this desire to my counselor, who continued to be a steady rock, gently challenging me towards my goals and holistic health. Little did I know that focusing on spiritual well-being would become the linchpin for true transformation. As nursing school demands intensified, my counseling sessions waned, but a newfound relationship with prayer and an evolving understanding of spirituality began to take root. My heart ached for more knowledge: "Who is God?", "What is the Holy Spirit?", and "Why did Jesus have to die on earth...?" More questions still came: why do good people get sick, why do babies die, why does anyone suffer?! Why does God "allow" murder, war, famine, pain, or torment? I was thirsty for more truth, which was only satisfied by opening my Bible (reading it), YouTube channels that revolved around Christ followers and true spirituality, and deep soulful prayer and meditation life. I noticed my attention drawn away from secular music, TV shows, and movies. I was more interested in "demonology", "theology of angels", and near death experiences. I watched people speak about new age, astral projection, demons & mediums, witchcraft & the occult, demonic possession, the "mind of Christ", how the Holy Spirit worked in their lives and they escaped the darkness they were living in. I began reading self help books, listened to podcasts & audiobooks on how to heal trauma. I began feeling and seeing the world differently; a true paradigm shift what happening.
My loneliness was slightly numbed by continuing in the toxic relationship I was in; it was birthed from trauma and yes, this relationship remained very painful. My journey toward spiritual health took an unexpected turn when in this toxic relationship, I began to see a change. Through me setting up strong healthy boundaries, I was able to extend God's love to someone who had caused me emotional pain. The ONLY way I was able to do this, was through the Holy Spirit guiding and pouring out of me. This was not my doing, but HIS. The love I was able to extend because of my own spiritual healing, began to transform the relationship. "God works in mysterious ways", people say...I found this to be true. I found that God can take horrible situations and, if it is His will, through His divine love, we can cultivate healing and restoration in the midst of despair. As a couple, we began having deep conversations about the universe, truth, and spirituality. It lead us towards healthier choices and healing. Ultimately, we decided to get married, and while still extremely flawed, this marked a significant improvement in our lives. The initial reluctance to embrace traditional forms of worship gave way to a more personal and informal approach – praying in my own words and reading the Bible at my own pace.
This gradual spiritual awakening opened my heart to healing. I graduated as an LVN (with straight A's again), and learned wound care at an outpatient clinic as my first nursing job. Through the passing of my grandfather (Opa), I felt called to be a Hospice Nurse. Looking back, God had his hand over my entire life and specifically my nursing career. Through witnessing so much death at hospice, God revealed the meaning of life to me. The brokenness of the world, the trauma we endure, and the need for restoration all became clearer. Through a combination of meditation, prayer, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, my heart was filled and my cup began to overflow. The world, once seen through broken and jaded eyes, now burst forth in vivid technicolor.
The realization dawned that following God's blueprint for life brought simplicity and joy. The healing journey continued with the discovery of Internal Family Systems (IFS), genuine friendships, a sense of purpose and pride in what I was doing day to day (mom, wife, nurse, daughter, friend), and a growing connection to our creator. The gift of the Holy Spirit here on earth with us, through Jesus's crucifixion and resurrection, is a source of healing, restoration, and fulfillment. It is the beacon guiding me toward a life that transcends the ordinary. It brings forth joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. The fruits I had experienced before deciding to live by God's will were quite the opposite: fear, anger, anxiety, depression, pain, torment, heartache, frustration, temperedness, and an utter lack of self control.
One day, at a joint nursing visit with one of our hospice Chaplains, as our young 34 year old patient was actively dying, a verse was read:
"2 Corinthians 4:16-18- Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
These words lit me up inside- and reading the bible was never the same for me again. "Fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen....", I felt these words deep in core of me. I felt love and peace in every crack, crevice, wound, and brokenness within every inch of everything that makes me-me. I had seen the pain and trauma the world had to offer- I saw things wasting away, going from "order to disorder", it takes energy and effort this side of heaven; I was tired. This verse summarized everything I had felt. It answered those tough questions, and became a launching pad for deeper spiritual understanding. It offered a promise, and I looked with new eyes at the known universe. Yet, my thirst grew stronger: I wanted more. I continued reading my bible, now the words seeminly jumping right off the page in front of me. I was learning that the Holy Bible was much more than a book- it truly felt ALIVE, and it made me feel alive.
In this state of spiritual health and self- awareness, life becomes a tapestry woven with the threads of God's love and truth. Absolute truths are discerned, joy is found in difficult circumstances, and the overflow of divine abundance enriches not only the self, but the world around. It's a transformation that cannot be contained – a radiant light that is shared and reflected back, creating a cycle of fulfillment and joy.
The brokenness of the world is not denied, but seen through the lens of a heart filled with the Holy Spirit. Life can become a delicious experience, and even in the face of mortality, there is hope and excitement for the future. For in the promise of an afterlife, free from pain and brokenness, there lies an enduring source of hope and peace.
My husband and I continue to walk a life defined by God's blueprint. We continue to grow and change daily; continually being molded and transformed by God's love and wisdom. Challenges are still faced everyday. There is still trauma, triggers, and pain, but there is also joy, light, learning, and life. Triggers never truly go away, but when we begin to heal, we also learn how to react in more productive healthy ways .
My journey from a religious upbringing, to atheism, and back to a deeply rooted spirituality underscores the transformative power of spiritual health. It is a journey that continues, each step revealing new layers of understanding, joy, and connection to the divine. In a world that often emphasizes external success, my story stands as a testament to the profound truth that true well-being begins within the soul.
It is my continued prayer that you could: "fix your eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal..."
Many blessings to you Brave Mama, and whoever may be reading this. You are so precious, so beautiful, and God wants blessings for you.
Jeremiah 29:11
“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
